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This is the inside scoop source for PPI fans. PPIPeople™ if you will. You are officially on the PPI team. Only those who have sent PPI a positive-feedback email or those who sign up for PPIAlerts get told this page exists. No one else sees it. I may password protect this page in the future. For now, if you know about the page, you get to read it. This page is updated every week or so. If I have something important to ask you regarding the direction of PPI and other, affiliated web sites, I will send you an email with the question and ask for your feedback. I value your feedback very much, and I am in fact COUNTING on it.

Those who are PPI People are a special breed. Indeed. This page is a look behind the curtain, and the PPI ‘easter egg’ for you to enjoy. Much of the new stuff will be posted here first to get your reaction. When I do this I urge you to email some feedback to ppi_feedback@yahoo.com Check the ‘Last Update’ date each time you check this page.


Update: 08/29/2003:
> Dear Fans
> Talent Page
Archive:
> Update: 08/20/2003
> Update: 08/12/2003

LAST UPDATE: August 29, 2003

Dear Rabidly Loyal PPI Fans,

Find below some of the latest incoming emails. Please note we have changed the email address for PPI to ppi_feedback@yahoo.com should you want to send us a note.

Please Email Farewell Congrats to THE REAL Mark Bajek

The fellow who posed as “Mark Bajek” has decided to “step down as CEO.”

He’s a great guy and his pictures did a lot to lend total realism to the PPI site. Will you please send a short fan letter to THE REAL Mark at Mark_Bajek@yahoo.com? That would be great. Once I get 30 or 40 mails from everyone I’ll spill the beans to the real guy, whose first name actually is really “Mark”. Thanks.

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The Talent Page

If you have some IT buddies that have a name and specific skills, send it along. If we have time we will add your ‘talent’ to the PPI Talent page. We got a request for a “Sam and Sean” Pair Programming team, and we added them to the Talent page, check it out.


Also, we have had quite a few inquiries to license the Primate Programming™ Inc brand name. Many companies want to do what we did, which is create a separate PPI section on their own website, to attract new and massive amounts of web traffic.

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RECENT EMAILS TO PPI


From: UNDISCLOSED
To: "'primateprogramming@yahoo.com'" <primateprogramming@yahoo.com>
Subject: PPI Rocks!
Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 12:43:18 -0400

Just when I thought the web had LONG taken itself too seriously, a buddy pointed me to your site.

My company runs a sort of "portal" site for developers who write Windows device drivers and file systems. We don't accept outside ads (so our banner ads are all for our company)... but we proudly added PPI's banner to our rotation starting last week.

Only 9 click-throughs so far, however...

ANYways, thanks for the tons of amusement that we've received from PPI. Perhaps we could get some of the primates to branch out into the field of system software. It's always hard to find people who know how to write Windows file systems...

Mr UNDISCLOSED

- END -

Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 12:15:03 -0700 (PDT)
From: UNDISCLOSED
Subject: Primates
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com

I found you site very very entertaining. We have two guys in our office we had labeled about 2 years ago as Senior Programming Monkey and Junior Programming Monkey. Our senior SPM is a gov't employee past due for retirement while our JPM is an airforce Airman that well not much is expected from him. Our team found it very funny to find your site. I just wish you would have had monkeys named Sam and Sean.

I also sent the website to the team because they are utilizing Extreme Programming concepts. (I am not a huge fan of this) but one major problem we had was pair programming. I sent out the site and said it was our Pair Programming solution. We did have one concern and that was how we would ever get them cleared. I am sure most are not US citizens are from different countries.

Thanks for the entertainment.

UNDISCLOSED

- END -

Subject: Too funny!
Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 15:51:41 -0500
From: UNDISCLOSED
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com

I was just reading about all the offshore outsourcing going on. MAN I LOVE THIS WEB SITE!!!! Looks like the accounting guys are making more and more room in the budget for their own raises and bonuses by sending our jobs overseas.

UNDISCLOSED

- END -


From: UNDISCLOSED
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com
Subject: PPI Service & Technical Questions
Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 22:30:13 -0700

Dear Sir/Madam,

I came across your site via a link provided within my newsletter subscription. My associate, one Ms. Robbins, later reviewed the site and was curious about certain particulars. The questions prompted additional questions and so on and so on. I felt your firm would be most qualified to answer the questions. These are listed below for your review and responses, accordingly:

Do the primate employees belong to a union or organized labor group?

Do they have benefits as part of their compensation?

Which brings up the issue of healthcare: do they have to go to the zoo for medical procedures?

Do they have bank accounts?

Do they pay taxes?

As their pay rates are so substandard when compared to those of most humans in the developed world, do they receive housing from PPI? How about food; bananas cost more per pound than most of the primates make an hour.

Have you heard about any of your primate employees being subjected to prejudice or hostile treatment from humans angered about their lack of job security due to the low-cost options provided by primate employees?

How are the primates recruited?

Are any of them pre-qualified or do they only undergo training (work-related not in the traditional circus sense) at PPI?

Do you have any fraternization policies to ensure that the primates retain a degree of civility and professionalism without the danger of inadvertently adding to the in-house staff?

By the way, how long is the gestation period for primates...9 months?

If they do become pregnant, in-house or otherwise, do you provide maternity leave?

How about day care?

Considering the fact that many primates can use their feet like hands, does this allow some species to type faster?

If so, have you considered having a custom manufactured keyboard to increase productivity even further?

There are many other questions. I believe the list above is more than adequate for the time being. We would truly appreciate a reply and answers to the aforementioned inquiries.

Our company, [COMPANY NAME]., is based in [CITY], [STATE] and has been specializing in the manufacture of mobile food vehicles, trailers and carts, particularly for the motion picture industry. Although most of our work is physical-labor-related, we are considering implementing automation and expanding the scope of our IT department to cover more than CAD-based planning and blueprint drafting to encompass the authoring and maintenance of an online database of parts and supplies for our soon to be launched E-commerce site, [SITENAME]. We may consider your services for this end and will contact you accordingly if and when the need arises.

Thank you again in advance for your reply. We look forward to hearing from you.

UNDISCLOSED

- END -


From: UNDISCLOSED
To: ppi_feedback@yahoo.com
Subject:
Date: Fri, 29 Aug 2003 14:20:05 -0400


Have you considered primate professors? I'm presently putting my daughter through college at a cool $28k/year and, after visiting your website, had the thought that primate professors in her IT program could cut that cost considerably.
Thanks,
UNDISCLOSED

- END -

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Update: 08/20/2003:
> New Content
> Screen Saver
> Email Feedback

Last Update: 08/20/2003

New Content Hitting the Site Today

At www.newtechusa.com/ppi/main.asp, later today you’ll see news and updates on the PPI story. The saga continues. Did you know Arnold is old friends with Mark Bajek??

There is a story linking PPI to the special CA gubernatorial election, a story linking PPI to certain events in Ohio, and a press release announcing Mark Bajek’s “retirement.”

This may have something to do with the two IT apes that left the Des Moines campus and were last seen hitchhiking east from Iowa.

Finally, you will see a greatly expanded line of PPI golf and button-down shirts in colors and sizes, with more options to choose from in terms of design. We are working on a new design for the logo, and we will be offering button-down shirts with this design and no text, over the pocket.

We are also developing a travel mug item. All these items will be in the PPI Store (on Yahoo) coming Real Soon Now. Did I mention Jerry Pournell of BYTE magazine fame is linking to PPI?

Here is the link:
http://www.jerrypournelle.com/mail/mail269.html#edge

The phone messages to 203 915 7248 are truly hilarious. Many left messages and PPI may publish some of this audio on the this page, PPIPEOPLE.ASP, at a later date.

Lastly, we are creating the PPI screensaver and are on schedule. This will be free and features dozens of primates. Some of these shots will be stunning and set in world-famous locations from the ancient world.

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The screensaver will be ready for download on: September 5th

As always, send your feedback in to primateprogramming@yahoo.com. Tell us what you want to see.

Here’s a few more interesting emails from PPI fans. Cheers…..

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Sample Email Feedback:


Subject: Congratulations! Wonderful!
From: UNDISCLOSED
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com
Date: Thu, 07 Aug 2003 09:39:11 +0200

Hi Mark,

I got my best laugh for a long time! Congratulations and thank you!
I've told about PPI to my friends and colleagues to share the fun.
Keep up the good work!

UNDISCLOSED

- END -

Subject: Just gotta try this
Date: Thu, 31 Jul 2003 08:28:52 -0400
From: UNDISCLOSED
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com

As my company is now performing various combinations of this - it is
the best site I've ever seen - Thanks for the belly laughter!!!

Thanks

UNDISCLOSED

- END -

Subject: Network Monkeys
Date: Wed, 30 Jul 2003 14:36:40 -0400
From: UNDISCLOSED
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com

You need some network monkeys. One for firewalls especially!

Your site is hilarious! Thanks to you I blew coffee out of my nose! Rock on!

- END -

Date: Fri, 01 Aug 2003 08:14:59 -0700
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com
From: UNDISCLOSED
Subject: Are you hiring?

I think you need a link where prospective primate programmers can
submit their resumes.

P.S. Great site. I laughed so hard I almost spit my coffee out my nose.

- END -

From: UNDISCLOSED
To: "'Mark Bajek'" <primateprogramming@yahoo.com>
Subject: Auto-Reply today!
Date: Mon, 4 Aug 2003 23:51:27 -0600

Thanks. We got your email and will reply shortly. Now, will you help me market myself worldwide? Simply forward this reply to your entire email address book with a brief intro. No, seriously:

Go to [My UNDISCLOSED website] and forward the link to everyone in your address book! Do my advertising for me! I’m working with an untried business plan of sending out obnoxious spam whenever someone emails me! So tell everyone you know about to [My UNDISCLOSED website] !!

- END -

EDITORS NOTE:
We have received many emails.
Here is the score: Positive feedback 1245, Negative feedback 3. We are in the first inning of a nine inning game, and anything can happen.


Subject: Thanks for the Fun
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com
From: UNDISCLOSED
Date: Thu, 7 Aug 2003 14:56:39 -0400

Many thanks to Dan Mezick for the fun we had looking at the Primate Programming Inc. web site today. I read the article in today's InformationWeek article, passed it to a few people, and not long afterward, everyone was enjoying it -- from developer to CIO. You should have had a lot of hits on your site today.

Thanks and best regards,
UNDISCLOSED

- END -

EDITORS NOTE: INFORMATION WEEK **LOVED** THE SITE AND GAVE US GREAT PRESS……here is the link:
http://www.informationweek.com/story/showArticle.jhtml?articleID=13000293


Date: Thu, 07 Aug 2003 14:47:44 -0500
From: UNDISCLOSED
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com
Subject: Love Your site!


I have been trying to convince my sister, a programmer, that her job is in danger
and now maybe she'll believe me after she sees this.

Thanks.

--
There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

- END -


From: UNDISCLOSED
To: "'primateprogramming@yahoo.com'" <primateprogramming@yahoo.com>
Subject: Loved it, but what about the golf shirt?
Date: Thu, 7 Aug 2003 16:56:21 -0400

Dear "Mark":

Thank for the entertaining and eminently forwardable website. It is a
hoot and I expect to have a lot more fun with some of my peers.

But, is the golf shirt offer for real?

TIA,
UNDISCLOSED

EDITOR’S NOTE: THE SHIRTS ARE FOR REAL. We got a lot of feedback, and the people have spoken. We will be expanding the line of shirts to include several colors, several sizes, and a new logo with chimps and apes prominently displayed.


From: UNDISCLOSED
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com
Subject: Loved your web site, but what ever possessed you???
Date: Fri, 8 Aug 2003 15:13:11 -0400

What a hoot!! I'm still laughing out loud! Thanks for the first-rate
entertainment!

Regards,
UNDISCLOSED

- END -

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Update: 08/12/2003:
> Merchandise is Real
> Screen Saver
> Breaking News
> Baboon Superstar
> Email Feedback

This is the inside scoop source for PPI fans. PPIPeople™ if you will. You are officially on the PPI team. Only those who have sent PPI a positive-feedback email or those who sign up for PPIAlerts get told this page exists. No one else sees it. I may password protect this page in the future. For now, if you know about the page, you get to read it. This page is updated every week or so. If I have something important to ask you regarding the direction of PPI and other, affiliated web sites, I will send you an email with the question and ask for your feedback. I value your feedback very much, and I am in fact COUNTING on it.

Those who are PPI People are a special breed. Indeed. This page is a look behind the curtain, and the PPI ‘easter egg’ for you to enjoy. Much of the new stuff will be posted here first to get your reaction. When I do this I urge you to email some feedback to primateprogramming@yahoo.com Check the ‘Last Update’ date each time you check this page.


Last Update: 08/12/2003

Surprise! PPI Merchandise is REAL

Anything for sale at the PPI site is legit, and a real deal. We have received many emails indicating people suspect the PPI shirts, PPI calendar etc are a spoof, just like the site. They are not. Watch for the PPI Yahoo store in the next few days. Your purchase of these items is greatly appreciated.

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Screen Saver

The official PPI screen saver is coming along nicely. Watch for it in September.

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Breaking News Imminent at PPI

There is going to be some big breaking news hitting the PPI home page very soon. The news will be posted here first. This news will be national in scope. Check this page each day and watch for the item.

When it is posted, I am requesting that you send feedback ASAP to primateprogramming@yahoo.com immediately, so I can gauge the likely reaction of the “rest of world” when the item hits the PPI home page.

PPI is an ongoing saga. As you will see, we may be moving to California from Iowa very soon.

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Cathleen- PPI Baboon SUPERSTAR

Did you know?

Cathleen made it onto the pages of the Charlotte Observer. You can see the text at:

http://www.charlotte.com/mld/observer/6505437.htm

…the picture of Cathleen made the print edition on August 10, 2003. What is funniest about this? The webmaster has informed me during discussions about this, that Cathleen (last item on www.newtechusa.com/ppi/talent.asp) is actually a taxidermist-stuffed animal. This is why she has that glassy look to her eyes. .

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Sample Email Feedback

This is an ongoing section. I will post a little more and a little more every week or so. I thought I would share with you some interesting email feedback received.

Before you laugh, understand the email you are laughing at may be your own. I’ve replaced names with “UNDISCLOSED” and company names with “XYZ” here…..

From: UNDISCLOSED
To: "'primateprogramming@yahoo.com'" <primateprogramming@yahoo.com>
Subject: what gives here?
Date: Wed, 30 Jul 2003 16:37:34 -0700

What on earth is the purpose of this site?

Un Disclosed Name

- END -

Date: Fri, 01 Aug 2003 16:59:44 -0600
From: UNDISCLOSED
Subject: Thanks for the great site
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com

I hope you don't mind but I created a news release and sent it out to some people which created a bit of a stir as a number of people thought it was a real news release so you likely got a number of hits from the Calgary area. For your reading pleasure I have attached a copy of the fake news release. Sometimes you just have to have a little fun, and your site is great as I received a number of comments about how PPI from a number of my associates and such.

--------------
News Release July 31, 2003

XYZ Inc is pleased to announce an outsourcing partnership with Primate Programming Inc (PPI) for NASA's multi-billion dollar launch control system for NASA's next generation of space shuttles. XYZ is the leading contractor for network and system security as well as software development for the system. Un Disclosed, President and CEO of XYZ said "we are very excited to obtain such services at such an outstanding rate from Primate Programming as they were much cheaper then using traditional offshore development companies and being located in the United States means further savings in travel costs for topic experts and managers traveling to and from the PPI work site". XYZ will utilize the full suite of PPI services from software development to testing and documentation. For further information concerning PPI please see http://www.newtechusa.com/PPI/main.asp
--------------

Thanks,
Un Disclosed
President and CEO of XYZ (yes, it’s a real company which added to the buzz here)

- END -

EDITOR’S NOTE: We are actively encouraging this behavior globally.

From: UNDISCLOSED
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com
Subject: AWESOME
Date: Tue, 5 Aug 2003 16:55:35 -0700

Best site I've ever seen! Way to go! Are you hiring????

- END -

Subject: Too Funny!
Date: Tue, 5 Aug 2003 16:28:29 -0700
From: UNDISCLOSED
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com

Howdy!
I work for a large aerospace company in Seattle that likes to lay people off and offload work. This is a great source of humor in an otherwise depressing environment. Please wait a while before you take the site down-- I found it in a news paper article that talked about a real primate sanctuary being mad at your site. I think they need to get a sense
of humor.

Thanks
Mr. UNDISCLOSED

- END -

Subject: are you for real ?
Date: Tue, 5 Aug 2003 15:10:28 -0700
From: UNDISCLOSED
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com

Hi,
I work for XYZ and all of us here at XYZ want to know if this is for real. Please let us know we are very interested in you statements and hope to find truth in them. Please e-mail me back, Thanks, David.

- END -

From: UNDISCLOSED
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com
Subject: Primate Programming, my ruddy rump!
Date: Tue, 5 Aug 2003 15:03:31 -0700

Dear Mr. Bajek,

I hate to be the one to tell you, but your Primate Programming(tm) business model is doomed to failure. I don't care how little you pay your "workers." They simply won't work out, and I don't know why you ever thought they would.

We had Mitch, Donna, Speedy, and Clyde doing contract work for us at one point during 2001, with dismal results. Mitch spent more time with his hands on Donna than he did with his hands on the keyboard. Our HR gal, a pert and perky young thing, confronted Mitch about it. He was tight-lipped at first, but finally typed that he "likes to groom when [he] codes." He was out the door the same day on a harassment suit, once we could net and collar him and pry his hands off the tire in his cubicle.

Speedy, on the other hand, was wonderful as a worker--fast, efficient, and detail-oriented. But Speedy's apparent productivity was deceptive. He simply couldn't code without biting the bejesus out of everyone in sight. Out the door he went, after our liability insurance costs shot through the roof.

Clyde seemed to have everything going for him, including no personal problems. In fact, he had no apparent personality whatsoever, just like some of our best non-simian developers. He worked slowly but steadily (when he wasn't staring off into the distance), and he has had, as you advertise, recent ASP.NET training and massive--and I do mean MASSIVE--experience with .NET Services and XML data types. But we had to let him go. He spent most of his time playing with himself under the desk, which interfered with his productivity, not to mention that it disconcerted--well, interested is probably a more accurate word--his fellow workers.

Sorry, Mr. Bajek. I hate to burst your banana. But you won't make it with this bunch.

UNDISCLOSED ID
CIO
XYZ Company

- END -

From: UNDISCLOSED
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com
Subject:
Date: Tue, 5 Aug 2003 14:39:40 -0700

I have to ask, is this in response to the offshore outsourcing mania? I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life.

Thanks

- END -

Date: Tue, 05 Aug 2003 17:36:08 -0400
From: UNDISCLOSED
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com
Subject: Golf shirts.

Love the site. Hopefully nobody's stupid enough to believe this is really on the level. …
But since I found your link from salon.com, there could be millions of people aware of you now, I'd be surprised if you couldn't make quite a bit of money selling the golf shirts. I'd buy one in a heartbeat if you really have them to sell.

Randy

- END -

EDITORS NOTE: All PPI merchandise is REAL and REALLY for sale !!

Date: Tue, 5 Aug 2003 14:12:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: UNDISCLOSED
Subject: Wage-Gender Disparity
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com

Dear PPI:

Why do all the female apes make less money than the males? Are you reflecting an unconscious bias here? –Kelly
EDITORS NOTE: Very insightful and caused me to look carefully at the copy. The writer was quite right about the pricing for the female bill rates, and this situation was completely unplanned by the writer.

- END -

From: UNDISCLOSED
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com
CC: (About 70 people…looked like everyone in the guy’s address book !!)
Subject: you suck!
Date: Fri, 8 Aug 2003 12:09:52 -0400

EDITORS NOTE: This is perhaps the funniest email we have received so far……..

I am a Bachelor of Computer Science student and I find the content of your site very insulting and offensive! How can monkey program if it even can't read? There are so many humans who can't program and probably will never be able to in their life, and you are talking about monkeys doing programmers' work? It's been proved that even the smartest monkeys cannot have intelligence higher than the one of a 6 year old child and how many 6 year olds you know that can program? If you want to become famous I think you should come up with something better than this, don't embarrass us and yourself!

- END -

EDITORS NOTE: This one came about 10 minutes later …….

From: UNDISCLOSED
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com
CC: (about 70 people)
Subject: P.S. you suck!
Date: Fri, 8 Aug 2003 12:14:56 -0400

Why did i even bother writing an email to them? Look at their mailing address:

Primate Programming Inc
One Primate Way
Des Moines, IA 50301

One Primate Way My A__!!! There is no such a street! The whole website is fake!

Un Disclosed

- END -

Date: Wed, 30 Jul 2003 14:26:48 -0500
Subject: I don't know what to say.
From: UNDISCLOSED
To: primateprogramming@yahoo.com <


To Whomever is Reading This:

I'm appalled really. Using hominids for cheap work is an awful idea.

Are you aware of the condition of the economy right now? There are thousands of jobless HUMANS that could really use a salary. You know, those creatures that have bills to pay and families to feed. What you have created here completely encompasses American greed. Well, this is the perfect opportunity for cheap labor with no complaints. Heaven forbid you'd actually have to PAY someone for work! Are you aware of the impact this could have on these animals? Do you really want to see what happens to an over stressed ape?

When I first learned of your company, I thought it was a joke. Who would actually train a monkey to do the work of a person? I just don't understand. Leave them alone. Put them back in their natural habitat. I can't help but think of Planet of the Apes. Is that really the kind of future you want?Wow! It's a big surprise that a hominid can actually think like a human! Of course they can. They can be taught just like a human. If you are going to start treating them like humans then by all means, follow through completely. Pay them a decent salary. Make sure they have a good home and family. Start sending them credit card offers and pizza flyers. How can you hire a chimp with NO EDUCATION when there are thousands of people that spent thousands of dollars on a college education that is supposed to get them jobs like the ones you are training monkeys to do? I know this letter might seem a little choppy, but that's only because I'm so disgusted I can't think straight. Please, before you start implementing this "grand" idea into the American work force consider all of the effects this will have on our society. That's all I can say right now. I'm sure you will hear from me again and several other people in the future. Thank you for your time.

Undisclosed Name

- END -

EDITORS NOTE: That’s it for now. Stay tuned !! Remember, the PPI merchandise is 100% legit and for sale. We will have a Yahoo Store up very soon.

That’s it for today. Please book mark this page and check it every couple of days. I’ll date the freshest entries at the top so you can see if anything new has hit here.

Yours Truly

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